For Your Consideration: A Few Things I Photoshopped When I Used to Own Photoshop.

An Open Letter: Why Tina Fey Should Be My Girlfriend

Dear Tina Fey,

By now you've probably read the title of this post, and I can already predict the many objections you might have, but I've decided to come out in public to refute these and hope that in due time true love will find a way. I know that your 30 Rock character, Liz Lemon, appreciates a logical approach to her personal life, so as a tribute I've laid out a few quick points which should prove conclusively that you have no excuse not to date me. Enjoy.

- First of all, I know you're not "gay" or whatever, but it's 2009 and, let's face it, I would make the perfect Samantha Ronson to your Lindsay Lohan. We could be the next big thing in gay/straight couples, without all the sunken cheeks and government-issued ankle bracelets.

- It's true that I'm a *little bit* younger than you but, the way I see it, this will work to our advantage: I'm not attached to my job, so I could easily travel with you as you pursue various projects around the globe. Plus, I'm pretty laid back and don't mind being bossed around, so if you wanted you could be my - well, I don't want to be rude, so let's just say it rhymes with "Booger Llama." And obvies when you grow old and decrepit I will still be spry enough to take care of you. kaCHING!

- I realize that you're currently married, but for you, Tina, I'm willing to wait until your now A-list marriage inevitably dissolves until you realize that we are meant for each other.


Tina Fey, if you asked me to I would weave you a stole made of sunlight and the souls of the damned.

Tina, you are a woman of surpassing intellect and wit, and undeniably classic beauty. And I am a woman who can fully appreciate that. I doubt even you can deny that we would be great together in the face of my decisive 3-point thesis, for these are the trinity of our true love.

Alas, it seems that in this life I have been c*ckblocked by fate. Perhaps in our next lives the stars will align for us. Until then, we will always have this anonymous stalker-love. And isn't that the best kind of love, after all?

Noitisn'tpleasemarryme,

-Allyn

Most Horrifying Creature In The World Apparently Memorialized In Movie No One Has Ever Heard Of.

For my inaugural Best Week Ever blog, I thought I'd take the time to share one of my deepest, darkest fears with you (because nothing draws in readers like that magical moment when you find out I am secretly a little girl cowering in a corner, stuffing my pizza hole with graham crackers and sobbing uncontrollably).

Perhaps you all have heard of a little minion of the devil known as the "house centipede"? My old roommate taught me its Japanese name, "Geji Geji," and that name more accurately reflects the abject horror that overtakes me at the thought of these despicable little creatures, with their hideous spindly legs. Oh my god, it's on me.



It's hard to type with one hand constantly roving my back and neck to make sure one isn't reading this over my shoulder.

And it is not just his innumerable legs or war-paint-like stripes that make this bug a nightmarish hell demon, but the fact that he moves like a giant spider on coke, racing across walls to escape the Swiffer Sweeper I use to try and squash him while keeping the maximum possible distance between us. Seriously, these things will disappear and then pop up in front of your face like the girl from The Ring.

In the wee hours of the night, as I was quaking with fear at the possibility that one might find it's way into my bed, I wondered why no one had thought to make a horror movie about "the Gej," but upon further research I discovered that such a movie does, in fact, (barely) exist. Centipede! may even take the prize for worst movie ever, based on its whopping Rotten Tomatoes' score of N/A, and the fact that the title is followed by an exclamation point. Either this movie was so god-awful that no one bothered to review it, or the critics all ran screaming from their screenings with a crippling case of the heebie-jeebies.

But seriously, a movie like this could possibly end the drought that has plagued Hollywood since Squirm. Maybe the reason America has lost respect as an international power is our recent dearth of popular movies featuring millions of wriggly vermin crawling on people? Just a thought. Somebody please do the American thing and watch this movie so that I don't have to.

I'm gonna go take a shower now.